I feel

I feel

I feel the guilt

I feel the guilt of online shopping

For spoiling myself after a moderately challenging day.

I feel the guilt of rushing in supermarkets

To buy sugar free paleo ice-cream and organic lemons

As I see an old hunchbacked old woman

Stuck gazing at a freezer window

Doing the daily math of “What can I afford from here”.

I feel the anger

I feel the anger of ending up not doing anything

Because I can’t do it all.

I feel the anger of remaining silent, turning my head, averting my eyes,

Waving my hand to signal “leave me alone”

To those who might need me.

I feel the void

I feel the void of counting my daily steps, of drinking water

Of limiting my intake of this and that

While heading at an unbeknownst speed, with only the safety belt of moderation

Towards the same destination as everyone else.

I feel the void left by all the people I don’t speak to

Because they’ve said some mean things

That were much kinder than all the thoughts I had of them.

I feel ashamed

I feel ashamed for having so much

And for not having enough

To feed the devourer of food, sex and futility

Living inside my neglected dermal shell.

I feel guilty, angry, void and ashamed

I don’t feel well



~ de Diana pe martie 7, 2018.

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