I feel
I feel the guilt
I feel the guilt of online shopping
For spoiling myself after a moderately challenging day.
I feel the guilt of rushing in supermarkets
To buy sugar free paleo ice-cream and organic lemons
As I see an old hunchbacked old woman
Stuck gazing at a freezer window
Doing the daily math of “What can I afford from here”.
I feel the anger
I feel the anger of ending up not doing anything
Because I can’t do it all.
I feel the anger of remaining silent, turning my head, averting my eyes,
Waving my hand to signal “leave me alone”
To those who might need me.
I feel the void
I feel the void of counting my daily steps, of drinking water
Of limiting my intake of this and that
While heading at an unbeknownst speed, with only the safety belt of moderation
Towards the same destination as everyone else.
I feel the void left by all the people I don’t speak to
Because they’ve said some mean things
That were much kinder than all the thoughts I had of them.
I feel ashamed
I feel ashamed for having so much
And for not having enough
To feed the devourer of food, sex and futility
Living inside my neglected dermal shell.
I feel guilty, angry, void and ashamed
I don’t feel well